The Friend Zone

I have been known to refer to myself as a “professional dater”. This is not a fact I wear proudly like a Miss America sash, no, it’s more like you search Webster’s dictionary for the term “dater” and you will see my name in the definition.

This was not my life’s purpose or goal. Remember, I am the girl that believes in “ happily ever after”. I was supposed to be married “til death do us part,” until that dream died.

I was certain true love would find me, I had no idea I had to go find love.

 ualimdhgjgu-asaf-r

I am not one to cry into my coffee about my circumstances, so I thought to find love meant I would date. But date how many men, and how long would it take before my soul mate would appear?

It’s been years and I still haven’t met Mr. Right. I’ve met Mr. TooShort, Mr.Buff, Mr.California, Mr.Readyforthegrave, and the list goes on…

I was not taking into account that I had no idea of what I wanted or who I was looking for, I had not considered my side of the equation.

This brings me to my current state of dating detox. That’s right, I am getting rid of all the old dating toxins. I am starting fresh. Giving myself time to discover who I’m looking for, so there will be no mistaking him when I meet him. I am conducting my own research based on who I have given dates to in the past and who I should not have given dates to. What worked about the good dates and what didn’t work about the not-so-good dates. Then I can gather the data and be more informed and intentional as to whom I give my time to in the future.

I want to be clear and take this new path slowly. I am realizing for the first time that I need to be friends in the beginning, before there can be a wild romance. What happened to compatibility and companionship? I think this fast-paced culture we live in today has dating completely backwards, and I was getting swept away in the dating storm of Physical Attraction Matters.

The ideal human mating practice is one where the man pursues the woman, the woman acts coy, to allow for a chase.  Mutual attraction is established. When the man catches the woman, she leads the man to believe it was all his doing and a courtship ensues. Common interests and shared values are discovered that may or may not lead to a long-term relationship, commitment or marriage.

This is why I am going to make friends with the “friend zone.” Take the time to truly be friends first. I believe this will alleviate a lot of regret and separate the men from the boys.

On A Dating Fast

I had finally gotten myself settled in my new little home after selling the marital dwelling where I had finished raising my two precious daughters. It had been a long painstaking process at times to be a single parent and that part of my journey had come to an end.

I was certain this new turning point in my life would prove to be the perfect time to pursue love.

Now instead of just wishing or hoping one day my prince would come, I had technology to help me find him. Haven’t we all given sites like Match.com or Plenty Of Fish a try? That process seemed tedious and time consuming. Almost archaic in light of the current dating apps we now have.

I’ll never forget the moment my single girlfriend introduced me to my first dating app. It was similar to being thirteen years old and your friends invite you out back of your house, making sure no parents are around, and offer you your first cigarette. The rush of doing something you had never done before that gave you pleasure was exciting. Who knew both experiences would prove to be addictive?

android-dating-apps-640x469

First it was Tinder. Swipe right or swipe left. Literally that is all you knew, and you only found that out by accident. These apps didn’t come with instructions. Could it be to cut the costs of the app, since there was no sign-up or membership fee?

Tinder got a bad rap in my opinion. It was touted as a “hook-up” app. Of course those testosterone-driven creatures saw opportunity and took it. Smart women were onto this reality and engaged cautiously. As with anything in life, your experience is what you make it. Swiping right on a guy and communicating right away was like inhaling nicotine for me. I was swiping at red lights, in line at Starbucks, even taking my phone into the bathroom with me. It became an obsession.

I did meet some decent guys and had interesting dates, however love escaped me.

Then that same girlfriend told me of the latest dating app, where girls have to make the first move. It was called Bumble. The quality of guys on this app seemed more serious, more professional. They said they were looking for relationship, but who’s kidding who? A man’s primal need is what they think of first. Again, I found myself swiping, talking and dating hoards of guys. I was beginning to see a pattern as to who I matched with, my type as it were. He was always good looking, always charming, and almost always a lover of too many alcoholic beverages.

This posed a conflict for me. I was looking for an authentic, smart, driven and caring individual. So why did I consider any of my matches, let alone give them a date?

When I stopped swiping  long enough to give this important question some serious thought, I realized I was my problem. not the men I was picking. I was the common denominator in all those dates and I needed time for reflection. A dating detox was in order.

In light of my new found insight, I put myself on a self imposed dating fast. I have deleted all dating technology, vowing to only indulge in organic dating, allowing The Law of Attraction to bring me my soul mate. An ideology as old as time.